learning from lifetime

i've recently learned that the lifetime television network has a profound impact on many of the people with whom i come into contact on a daily basis. therefore, i bring you two episodes of "everything i need to know i learned on lifetime."

a while back, after returning at close to 2:00 am from receiving the life-altering diagnosis that our beloved hubert had a debilitating case of earwax, we came upon at least half of the 6th district police officers parked in front of our house. they had pulled over a woman for driving with a open container and were going through the motions of issuing a ticket. a rather benign scene you say. and it would have been if nay nay boo had not been out on the neighbor's porch taunting the police. at first, she just started in with the standard - "why are you always harassing people? there are people being murdered in this city and you're worried about an open bottle of beer." but, after realizing that the young, white, rookie woman officer was clearly paying attention to her every word, nay nay boo kicked it into high gear. (now i don't what it is, but every tranny i've ever met is funnier than the next. nay nay boo is just that much funnier.) she targeted the officer and began to question, in a very loud, theatrical voice, whether or not the officer was behaving like she was because she was racist. after a few go arounds with the rhetoric, nay nay boo decided that the woman was a racist and then explained why she had come to this conclusion - because she had seen it a million times on "lifetime." she went on to tell the officer that it was okay, but, in the end, the officer would get hers. and how would she get it? why she would have a daughter and that daughter would grow up and become impregnated by a black man and that baby would be half black and the officer would have to raise a half black baby because the officers daughter would become blind and end up dying of cancer ... and how did nay nay boo know this? "because that's what happens on lifetime!"

that brings me to tonight. tonight i was riding in the car with my neighbor and we began to discuss the prospect of me and kristin having kids. i told her that we were seriously planning right now and were trying to decide whether we will have a bio kid or whether we will adopt. at which point, she cautioned me that we need to be careful when we get sperm because a lot of crazy dope fiends donate just to get the money for more drugs. she also wanted me to understand that getting pregnant "that way" is not that easy. she told me a story about a woman who tried and tried but could not get pregnant - that was until she was raped by the doctor performing the insemination!? and how does she know this? she "saw it on lifetime."

i'm clearly watching the wrong station.