sucked in and coming out

one of the things that i absolutely love about kristin is her commitment to lesbian entertainment - no matter how bad the film, television show, story line. she keeps reminding me that it's important to support the genre because visibility matters. it matters that young gay kids see themselves reflected in the media - particularly those that feel completely isolated and unsupported. i smile, nod, and sleep through whatever it is she's making me watch. that was until guiding light illuminated my path. okay, so maybe i don't have a lot in common with a woman who's been married six times, has had a heart transplant and two pacemakers, has a daughter that's aged overnight, bribed government officials, been arrested for illegal stock transactions, hired a hit man to kill my daughter, or held a man hostage in my basement ... but i do know what it's like to feel the amazing awakening of being true to yourself. damn - i've been sucked by bad lesbian entertainment!!!!!

while i was thinking about how silly this all is, i remembered that another television storyline about a woman coming to terms with her feelings for another woman played a pretty significant role in the timing of my coming out. and that got me thinking about coming out and how really crazy the whole thing was. and that got me thinking that i've never written down my coming out story. and that got me thinking that memorializing that story is something i'd really like to do. and that got me thinking that a very public forum like the flipflop fed is the perfect place for such a personal story.

i think that i'm like a lot of gay people - i've known forever. and like a lot of gay people - it's something that i tried to hide from, run away from, ignore ... i did it for different reasons, but the main two were god and family. i was raised in an assemblies of god church and gay was the ultimate sin. i'm an only child and was convinced that my parents would disown me. in the end, i wasted many years worrying about those two things and in the end both god and my parents continue to love me. now that we've got the "deep" part of the story out of the way it's time to move on to the crazy, sitcom part of the story.

the times i wanted to come out, but, for whatever reason, didn't ...

#1: 11th grade - i was living in germany at the time and was having all of these crazy feelings. i don't think that i ever really made it to the brink of coming out, but it was a significant year and it started my pattern of running away whenever things got too close.

#2: senior year of college - i was living in dc and having all of these crazy feelings. the night before graduation, my aunt - while sitting on the steps of my home-away-from-home, the red lion, and seemingly out of the blue - said "you know if you're gay it's okay." i FLIPPED out. i remember stopping and looking down at myself wondering what about me at that moment made her say such a crazy thing! was it the way i was sitting? the way i was dressed? the way that EVERYTHING about me since the time i was little screamed L E S B I A N? i denied it to the end and soon ran away to ... san francisco.

#3: 1996 - i was living in oakland, ca in rockridge (to lesbians what the castro is to gay men) in a perfect lesbian life. the only problem was that i wasn't gay. now don't be confused. i was definitely gay, but was never willing to admit it (in fact, until i came out 5 years later i never even uttered the word "gay" in relation to me because i knew that once i said it out loud it would be true.). so one day in 1996 i decided that it was time to stop living a lie. for reasons that i won't write about here, it turned out that it just wasn't the time. i denied it, even though it was consuming me, and soon ran away ... down the street and around the bend. (okay, so it was fewer than 2 miles, but it was a VERY straight neighborhood!)

#4: 1998-1999 - i was living by myself and, again, had encircled myself with an incredible group of lesbians. in late 1998, i was up in tahoe with a friend for the weekend and i decided that THIS would be the weekend that i would act. there was a clear tension between us and (this part makes me seem like a complete cad) i decided that she would be perfect for a one shot deal. at breakfast on the morning that i was going to make my move, she leaned across the breakfast table and said ... "i can't be the person that you come out with." WTF!!!!! (see #1) i denied it to the end, immediately applied for grad school across the country and soon ran away to ... boston.

this brings us to november 9, 2001. i had been living in boston since 1999 and had created a nice little life for myself. of course, a strong group of lesbians played a huge role. everything was coming together. i began to realize that god didn't hate me and that, no matter how hard i prayed, these feelings were just not going away. that got me to thinking that i was probably praying for the wrong thing. it was also around that time that the kerry weaver story line was playing out on "er." and it was also around that time that i was going to turn 30 and i did not want to start another decade of my life living a lie. i decided that i needed to tell someone i was gay.

my plan was this -
1) before christmas - find a therapist and go for at least one session so that i could tell someone
2) have the perfect christmas with my family (never mind that my still-married and cohabitating parents hadn't spoken a word to each other since mid-1982)
3) tell my parents after the new year as not to ruin the holidays

what happened was -
1) November 8 - found a therapist and made an appointment

2) November 9 - made plans to go to the movies with my best friend. as i was headed to her house after work, and stuck in traffic, i decided to call my therapist mom and tell her that i had finally decided to go to therapy. so picture this - i'm stuck in traffic, top down, talking on the phone while driving and smoking a cigarette and my mom decides to press me on why i've finally decided to go to therapy. i explained to her that i already told her - void in my life, lots of loss, want to work through some things - to which she replied "you haven't told me a thing." to which i sarcastically replied "then why don't you tell me why i'm going to therapy." to which she matter-of-factly replied "you're going to therapy because you're gay." to which i hysterically replied "you're right." and then i lost the cell phone signal.

i made it to my friends house completely spent and bawling. she opened the door and asked with concern "what's wrong?" i FINALLY said "i'm gay." and she calmly said "i know."

the rest is a blur -i talked to my mom and dad (dad said it never occurred to him?!), told everyone i wanted to tell, skipped the movie and went to dinner. the funny thing about the november 9 date is that that's the day that, back in 1874, a group of women at colby college in waterville, me founded sigma kappa - the sorority to which i belonged in college. something tells me this is not the kind of "finding" that they had in mind!

3) november 10 - i had long standing plans to meet my dad in western mass for the day. we kept the plans and i was petrified! i stopped no fewer than 5 times on the way out there to throw up. i got myself together a few miles out, but then completely lost it when i saw my dad. it was clear that we weren't going to be able to follow through with our original plans and my dad suggested that we head to the local museum. (and this next part is such a trip that i couldn't have made it up if i tried.) it was the normal rockwell museum! no shit! the newly minted lesbo and her recovering alcoholic father who maintained a completely dysfunctional relationship with his wife for more than 30 years spent the day looking at pictures of archetypal american families!

we followed the museum with a great dinner; although i cried through the entire meal. finally it was time to leave. we were standing by the car and i was doing everything i could to avert my father's eyes. i kept crying and apologizing, apologizing and crying. during a pause, my dad put his finger under my chin and told me "hold your head up rebecca." we didn't say anything else before we left.

so there it is - after 29 years 11 months and 5 days of avoidance and unnecessary stress, it was over in two days ... and i wouldn't change one thing.