the amish market is neither amish nor ...

with a level of anticipation rivaling that of what ralphie parker must have felt on christmas morning, we headed off this morning for the amish market in upper marlboro. i could hardly wait for the authentic lancaster county experience - plain people selling wholesome goodness and handcrafted masterpieces. well, i'll give them the pretzels and whoopee pies, but the rest of it reminded me of an "amish experience" safeway/indoor flea market staffed by mennonites.

now, i have no doubt that the stoltzfus deli probably at least knows of the people who made their lebanon bologna, but i'm not so sure we could say the same about those hawking the meats. the meats were advertised as free range, grass fed, blah, blah, blah. i probably would have believed them had i not witnessed the woman in the back removing the bacon from a store package prior to bringing it to the front counter! and then there were the grapes from chile, the apples from washington state, and the "homemade" chocolate that had clearly been packaged before.

if all of that weren't disappointing enough, much of what was sold in the furniture/handicraft area was made in china - not china, pa ... CHINA, CHINA! some of the furniture was probably authentic amish/mennonite made, but a quick inspection of other pieces revealed shoddy craftsmanship. i mean what self-respecting cabinetmaker would STAPLE boards together. even i know to look for the dove-tailed joints.

still holding out hope for a true bird-in-hand experience, i rounded the corner with excitement after my partner announced - "ah, finally - authentic amish!" imagine my disappointment when right before my eyes i saw ...

so fuck the amish market in upper marlboro. i'll have a more authentic experience the next time i go to safeway and request that the deli worker wear a covering before dishing out my "amish potato salad." (but don't be fooled into thinking that i won't go back for the pretzels!)